Dealing with Difficult Parents on the Sidelines

By Erica Salmon, TeamSnap user, team mom, writer and guest author

In a perfect world, we all show up to our children’s sporting events to encourage them lovingly. When they do well, we give a polite golf clap, and when they have a mishap, we smile and remember that they are only kids, learning one play at a time.

Ha! So the real story is … parent behavior on the sidelines runs the gamut from the disinterested dad reading the paper while his kid is batting to over-the-top mom screaming at the ref for a missed foul. I am sure many of us have stories to tell about what we’ve seen at our kids’ sporting events. I know I have way too many stories!

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So, as a sports parent, how do you deal with difficult parents? Here are some suggestions I have found work for me:

1. You cannot beat them, but you don’t have to join them!

I have been known to get caught up in the moment and get carried away verbally. It is usually when my child has done something well, and I over-cheer, or it’s when a child on the other team is being too aggressive and it feels like the ref isn’t calling it. Whatever the case may be, it’s dangerous to start getting too verbal. Whether you realize it or not, you become one of THOSE parents. I have taken a Sideline Vow of Silence because it is better to say nothing at all than to accidentally get caught up in the moment and say things you might regret. Maybe the other (more verbal) parents will follow your lead! Of course, if your child really is in danger, you need to pipe up, but for general sideline behavior, less is more.

2. Separate yourself from the pack.

Do yourself a favor and do not sit next to the loud, obnoxious parents. Politely find a quiet spot under a nice tree and enjoy watching your child without the influence of inappropriate behavior. Afraid you will look like you don’t want to socialize? Good! That’s the message you are trying to subtly send!

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3. Coach.

If you choose to coach, you put yourself in a position where you can (often) select or draft the kids on your team. Choose kids with parents who are not difficult. You might not have the best team in town according to your wins and losses record, but you will have a much more peaceful experience. (Note to difficult parents: If you continue to be obnoxious, coaches will stop choosing your child!)

4. Talk with the coach.

Last year, my son’s coach sent around a “Parent Code of Conduct” we all had to sign before the season started. It was his way of expressing early on that he did not want to deal with difficult parents. If your coach has not done something like this, perhaps you can suggest it to him/her. That way, the message to “be nice” will come from the coach and not from other parents.

5. Move on.

If your child’s youth sports experience is being ruined by a bad batch of parents, move on! Life is too short! Check out neighboring towns or other leagues, or start a club team. The goal is to provide your child with opportunities to explore his or her interests in different activities, not to subject your entire family to difficult parents. Of course, there are difficult parents everywhere, but sometimes, bad behavior breeds bad behavior, and finding a new team (and different parents) might be the solution.

For more on how can we stop bad sports parent behavior, listen to this episode of the TeamSnap Youth Sports Podcast. John Engh, COO of the National Alliance of Youth Sports (NAYS), discusses parents on the sidelines and how we can keep youth sports positive and beneficial to its athletes.

 

Erica Salmon is a TeamSnap Mom, often seen on the sidelines of youth soccer, baseball, field hockey and basketball games as well as at dance recitals, concerts and art shows. Erica is a book author, former fashion analyst for NBC10 (Philadelphia) and the founder of several Websites and blogs including Fantasy Fashion League and Red Carpet Mom. Erica lives in Mullica Hill, NJ, with her husband, three children and their enormous dog Elvis.


Responses...

Mary J.  

I totally disagree with your “Sideline Vow of Silence”. I think my children want to hear their mom cheer for them, and cheer for their teammates as well. Isn’t that why you attend the games? Isn’t that part of the fun? I do NOT ever cheer ‘against’ anyone else’s child, whether on our team or the opposing team, and I do even try to support kids on the other team who make an exceptional play. But sit there in silence? You are missing out on a big part of the experience, for both yourself and your child.

vburley  

I think the vow of silence is not for the parents who want to cheer for the kids/ but the ones who cannot control themselves and is abusive to the referee, coach and just down right obnoxious to the entire team.

Erica  

Yes – the “vow of silence” was meant for stopping negative comments. By all means – cheer for the good stuff! When my son hit his first over-the-fence home run, I cheered like a proud mom! I do think he would have been disappointed if I hadn’t. I meant in the article that sometimes we slip into “instructional banter” (we are giving our kids and other people’s kids instructions a mile a minute, often critically) which slips into negative behavior (yelling at refs, cheering when the other team makes an error, etc.) before we know it.

Jen Cannon  

Very well said Erica! Our family’s momentary stint in soccer included a very positive experience for our daughter (Syd) being coached by your (calm, kind) husband. These days the kids play lacrosse and I’d love to see coaches send out a Parent Code of Conduct. Have to say, we had a great group of kids AND parents this season (my husband coaches as well). Great article!

Nick  

My daughter plays net on a very competitive U17 team. I feel the ref are not calling a lot of the bad things that happen to her and others on the field, full cleats in the stomach, i see top and bottom cleats on her stomach, i see some many strikers drag their feet over the keeper as they jump over top. I also see keeper’s come out feet first, which my daughter has been trained to go hands first. Point is, if i see ref’s not making the calls, what re-course do you suggest. I don’t want to be that dad, but the refs aren’t worried about their safety. The coaches don’t have an option with the soccer league, because if you protest, you never win, even if you feel you’re standing up for thier safety. How do you handle the safety issues, when you feel the ref’s are not making the call?

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